For everyone who does not play golf on the TV
"They call it Golf because all the other 4 letter words were taken"
The Hapless Golfer
Rules for the Hapless Golfer
Rule 9k.34
If a tree is between the ball and the hole, and the tree is deemed to be younger than the player, then the ball can be moved without penalty. This is so because this is simply a question of timing; when the player was younger, the tree was not there so the player is being penalised because of his age.
Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked into the Rough shall be lifted and placed on the Fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the Rough with no penalty. The hapless golfer should not be penalised for tall grass which grounds keepers have failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed NOT to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The hapless golfer must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree, and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.B.3
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, thereby making it a stolen ball. The hapless golfer is not to compound the crime by charging himself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Law of Gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Rule 5
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the Hole. No one wants to make a mockery of the game.
Rule 6.a.9
There is no penalty for so-called “out of bounds”. If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The hapless golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.G.15
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Hapless golfers should not be penalised for any shortcomings of the manufacturers
Rule 8.k.9
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many hapless golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.